After delving into the book “Style: The Basics of Clarity and Grace,” I distilled its essence into several key items (just like my once-favorite technical series, “Effective C++”). I hope this can help readers to hone their writing skills with these insights.

• Part I: Clarity
  • Item 1: Make Important Actions Verbs
  • Item 2: Get Characters into Subjects
  • Item 3: Reconstruct Absent Characters
  • Item 4: Use Abstractions as Characters Carefully
  • Item 6: Choose Between Active and Passive
  • Item 7: Break Long Compound Noun Phrase
  • Item 8: Get to the Subject Quickly
  • Item 9: Get to the Verb and Object Quickly
• Part II: Cohesion and Coherence
  • Item 10: Put Old Information Before New Information
  • Item 11: Understand Coherence
  • Item 12: Avoid Distractions at the Beginning of a Sentence
  • Item 13: Put Complexity to the End of Sentences.
  • Item 14: Emphasize with Stress
  • Item 15: Start Section with Key Themes
• Part III: Concision
  • Item 16: Delete, Replace - Refine Sentences
  • Item 17: Remove Redundant Metadiscourse
  • Item 18: Don’t Stack Phrases or Clauses in Long Sentences
• Part IV: How-to Tutorials
  • Guide 1: Introduction
  • Guide 2: Conclusion

Item 0: Draft Without Perfection

Although I have summarized a series of principles below, please do not treat these principles as rules to be imposed on every sentence as you draft it, but as guidelines to help you identify sentences that are likely to cause your readers trouble and then to revise them.

If you get bogged down in the details, you will never finish your first draft. Most experienced writers get something down as fast as they can. Then, as they revise that first draft into something clearer, they understand their ideas better. And when they understand their ideas better, they express them more clearly, and the more clearly they express them, the better they understand them—and so it goes, until they run out of energy, interest, or time.

Part I: Clarity

Item 1: Make Important Actions Verbs

Consider the following two sentences:

1. Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf's jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing her fright.
2. Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods, when the Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightened her.

Sentence (a) seems verbose and indirect. The two main characters (italicized), Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf, are not subjects (underlined), and their actions (boldfaced) —walk, jump, and fright—are presented as nouns rather than verbs. In sentence (b), the more direct sentence, those two main characters are subjects and their actions are verbs. That’s why we prefer (b).

Let’s revise a different sentence as an example:

The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations means the loss of jobs for many American workers.

Step 1: Identify the main characters and their corresponding actions.

The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations means the loss of jobs for many American workers.

Step 2: Convert nominalizations into verbs. Assign the characters as subjects and rewrite the sentence using subordinating conjunctions such as because, if, when, although, why, how, whether, or that.

Many American workers are losing their jobs because corporations are outsourcing their high-tech work to Asia.

Item 2: Get Characters into Subjects

Consider following three sentences:

1. The CIA feared the president would recommend to Congress that it reduce its budget.
2. The fear of the CIA was that a recommendation from the president to Congress would be for a reduction in its budget.
3. There was fear that there would be a recommendation for a budget reduction.

Most readers think (a) is clearer than (b) and (c). In (b), the two simple subjects (underlined) are not concrete characters but abstractions. Even worse, in (c), characters are deleted entirely, which may be ambiguous for readers.

Let’s revise a different sentence as an example:

Governmental intervention in fast-changing technologies has led to the distortion of market evolution and interference in new product development.

Step 1: Find the main characters. They may be possessive pronouns attached to nominalizations, objects of prepositions (particularly by and of), or only implied.

Governmental intervention in fast-changing technologies has led to the distortion of market evolution and interference in new product development.

Step 2: Skim the passage for actions involving those characters, particularly actions buried in nominalizations. Ask Who is doing what?

Step 3: Revise. Reassemble those new subjects and verbs into a sentence, using conjunctions such as if, although, because, when, how, and why.

• When a government intervenes in fast-changing technologies, it distorts how markets evolve and interferes with their ability to develop new products.

Item 3: Reconstruct Absent Characters

Readers have the biggest problem with sentences devoid of all characters:

A decision was made in favor of doing a study of the disagreements.

That sentence could mean either of these, and more:

• We decided that I should study why they disagreed.
• I decided that you should study why he disagreed.

The writer may know who is doing what, but readers may not and so usually need help.

Sometimes we omit characters to make a general statement:

Research strategies that look for more than one variable are of more use in understanding factors in psychiatric disorder than strategies based on the assumption that the presence of psychopathology is dependent on a single gene or on strategies in which only one biological variable is studied.

But when we try to revise that into something clearer, we have to invent characters, then decide what to call them. Do we use one or we, or name a generic “doer”?

• If one/we/you/researchers are to understand what causes psychiatric disorder, one/we/you/they should use research strategies that look for more than one variable rather than assume that a single gene is responsible for psychopathology or adopt a strategy in which one/we/you/they study only one biological variable.

To most of us, one feels stiff, but we may be ambiguous because it can refer just to the writer, to the writer and others but not the reader, to the reader and writer but not others, or to everyone. And if you are not directly naming your reader, you is usually inappropriate. Directly naming your reader means explicitly identifying who you refers to, such as “students”, “researchers”, or “practitioners”, rather than leaving it to the reader to guess whether you refers to them personally or to a broader audience.

In long sentence, explicitly adding characters can avoid ambiguity in pronoun reference. Compare:

1. Teachers should remember that students are vulnerable and uncer tain about those everyday ego-bruising moments that adults ignore and that they do not understand that one day they will become as confident and as secure as the adults that bruise them.
2. Teachers should try to remember that students are vulnerable to ego-bruising moments that adults ignore and that students do not understand that ...

In (a), we hesitate about what boldfaced “they” refers to. While in (b), we repeat a noun to avoid such an ambiguous pronoun.

In general, opt for the most specific character you can find when your sentences are missing characters.

Item 4: Use Abstractions as Characters Carefully

Sometimes, abstractions can serve as characters, but only when used carefully. Consider this example:

To understand what causes psychiatric disorder, studies should look for more than one variable rather than adopt a strategy in which they test only one biological variable or assume that a single gene is responsible for psychopathology.

Here, studies is an abstraction turned into a virtual character because it performs clear actions: look, adopt, test, and assume. Most readers are familiar with the concept of “studies”, so this sentence is both clear and easy to follow.

But using abstractions as characters can also create problems. When your audience isn’t familiar with an abstract term—or when you surround it with other abstractions—your writing can quickly become dense and hard to follow. In the following example (actions are boldfaced; human characters are italicized):

• The argument is this. The cognitive component of intention exhibits a high degree of complexity. Intention is temporally divisible into two: prospective intention and immediate intention. The cognitive function of prospective intention is the representation of a subject's similar past actions, his current situation, and his course of future actions. That is, the cognitive component of prospective intention is a plan. The cognitive function of immediate intention is the monitoring and guidance of ongoing bodily movement.

We can make that passage clearer if we tell its story from the point of view of flesh-and-blood characters:

• I argue this about intention. It has a complex cognitive component of two temporal kinds: prospective and immediate. We use prospective intention to represent how we have acted in our past and present and how we will act in the future. That is, we use the cognitive component of prospective intention to help us plan. We use immediate intention to monitor and guide our bodies as we move them.

By introducing human characters (I and we), this version clarifies who is doing what and makes the explanation easier to follow.

Item 6: Choose Between Active and Passive

Basically active voice is better, but in the following cases, the passive is often the better choice:

1. You don't know who did an action, readers don't care, or you don't want them to know.
   Often, we don't say who does an action, because we don't know or readers won't care. For example, we naturally choose the passive in these sentences:
   • The president was rumored to have considered resigning.
   • Those who are found guilty can be fined.
   • Valuable records should always be kept in a safe.
   If we do not know who spread rumors, we cannot say. And no one doubts who finds people guilty, fines them, or should keep records safe, so we don't have to say.
2. You want to shift a long bundle of information to the end of a sentence, especially when doing so lets you begin with a shorter chunk of more familiar information.
   A sentence confuses us when it opens with information that is unexpected. For example, in this next passage, the subject of the second sentence gives us new and complex information (boldfaced), before we read familiar information that we recall from the previous sentence (italicized).
   We must decide whether to improve education in the sciences alone or to raise the level of education across the whole curriculum. The weight given to industrial competitiveness as opposed to the value we attach to the liberal arts will determine our decision.
   But If we use the passive, the short, familiar information (our decision) would be put first, the order we prefer:
   • We must decide whether to improve education in the sciences alone or raise the level of education across the whole curriculum. Our decision will be determined by the weight we give to industrial competitiveness as opposed to the value we attach to the liberal arts.
3. You want your readers to focus on a particular character. Consider this paragraph, it reports the end of World War II in Europe from the point of view of the Allies:
   By early 1945, the Allies had essentially defeated Germany; all that remained was a bloody climax. American, French, British, and Russian forces had breached its borders and were bombing it around the clock. But they had not yet so devastated Germany as to destroy its ability to resist.
   If you want to express it from the point of view of Germany, you can use passive verbs to make Germany the subject/character.
   • By early 1945, Germany had essentially been defeated; all that remained was a bloody climax. Its borders had been breached, and it was being bombed around the clock. It had not been so devastated, however, that it could not resist.

Item 7: Break Long Compound Noun Phrase

Strings of nouns feel lumpy, so avoid them, especially ones you invent. Revise compound nouns of your own invention, especially when they include nominalizations. Just reverse the order of words and find prepositions to connect them:

Reassembled, it looks like this:

Physicians misdiagnose⁵ disordered⁴ thought³ in young¹ children² because they are unfamiliar with recent literature on the subject.

If, however, a long compound noun includes a technical term in your field, keep that part of the compound and unpack the rest:

• Physicians misdiagnose⁵ thought disorders^3,4 in young¹ children² because they are unfamiliar with recent literature on the subject.

Item 8: Get to the Subject Quickly

Avoid beginning more than a few sentences with long introductory phrases and clauses. Compare following sentences:

1. Since most undergraduate students change their major fields of study at least once during their college careers, first-year students who are not certain about the program of studies they want to pursue should not load up their schedules to meet requirements for a particular program.
2. First-year students should not load up their schedules with requirements for a particular program if they are not certain about the program of studies they want to pursue, because most change their major fields at least once during their college careers.

In (a), we have to read and understand seventeen words before reaching the main subject and verb. In (b), we get past the subject and verb of the first clause in just six words.

Opening with a subordinate clause sometimes is inevitable, but when you find it’s too long, try moving it to the end. If it doesn’t fit there, try making it an independent sentence.

Item 9: Get to the Verb and Object Quickly

Readers also want to get past a sentence’s main subject to its verb and object. Therefore, you should make sure:

1. Avoid long, abstract subjects. As we discussed in Item 4, if you find a long subject (longer than seven or eight words) that includes a nominalization, try turning the nominalization into a verb and finding a subject for it:
   • Abco Inc.'s understanding of the drivers of its profitability in the Asian market for small electronics helped it pursue opportunities in Africa.
   • Abco Inc. was able to pursue opportunities in Africa because it understood what drove profitability in the Asian market for small electronics.
   A subject can also be long if it includes a long relative clause. In this case, try turning the relative clause into an introductory subordinate clause beginning with when or if:
   1. A company that focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees.
   2. When a company focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs, it is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees.
   But if the introductory clause turns out to be as long as that one, try moving it to the end of its sentence:
   • A company is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees when it focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs.
   Or better yet, make it an independent sentence.
   • Some companies focus on hiring the best personnel and then train them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs. Such companies are likely to earn the loyalty of their employees.
2. Avoid interrupting the subject–verb connection. You frustrate readers when you interrupt the connection between a subject and verb:
   Some scientists, because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective, do not easily communicate with lay people.
   The becuase clause breaks subject and verb. Move the interruption to the beginning or end of its sentence, depending on whether it connects more closely to what precedes or follows it:
   • Since some scientists write in a style that is impersonal and objective, they do not easily communicate with laypeople. This lack of communication damages ...
   • Some scientists do not easily communicate with laypeople because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective. It is a kind of style filled with passives and ...
3. Avoid interrupting the verb–object connection. Similarly, if the connection between verb and object is interruupted, Move the interrupting element to the beginning or end of its sentence:
   • We must develop, if we are to become competitive with other companies in our region, a core of knowledge regarding the state of the art in effective industrial organizations.
   • If we are to compete with other companies in our region, we must develop a core of knowledge about the state of the art in effec tive industrial organizations. Such organizations provide ...
   • We must develop a core of knowledge about the state of the art in effective industrial organizations if we are to compete with other companies in our region. Increasing competition ...
   An exception: when a prepositional phrase you can move is shorter than a long object, try putting the phrase between the verb and object:
   • In a long sentence, put the newest and most important information that you want your reader to remember at its end.
   • In a long sentence, put at its end the newest and most important information that you want your reader to remember.

Part II: Cohesion and Coherence

Item 10: Put Old Information Before New Information

Sentences are cohesive when the last few words of one set up information that appears in the first few words of the next. That’s what gives us our experience of flow. And in fact, that’s the biggest reason the passive is in the language: to let us arrange sentences so that they flow from one to the next easily. Consider:

1. Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a black hole. So much matter compressed into so little vol ume changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways.
2. Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. A black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. So much matter compressed into so little volume changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways.

In context, our sense of “flow” calls not for (a), the sentence with the active verb, but for (b), the one with the passive.

The reason is clear: the last four words of the first sentence introduce an important character—black holes in space. But with sentence (a), the next concepts we hit are collapsed stars and marbles, information that seems to come out of nowhere.

Therefore, please remember to put old information before new information. This item and the Items introduced in Part I often complement one another. But if you have to choose, favor this one. The way you organize old and new information determines how cohesive readers will find your writing. And for readers, a passage’s overall cohesion trumps the clarity of individual sentences.

Item 11: Understand Coherence

Cohesion is a sense of flow, while coherence is a sense of the whole. A paragraph can be cohesive but incoherent:

Consistent ideas toward the beginnings of sentences help readers understand what a passage is generally about. A sense of coherence arises when a sequence of topics comprises a narrow set of related ideas. But the context of each sentence is lost by seemingly random shifts of topics. Unfocused paragraphs result when that happens.

This paragraph feels choppy, out of focus, even disorganized, due to following reasons:

1. The subjects of the sentences are entirely unrelated.
2. The sentences share no common themes or ideas.
3. The paragraph has no one sentence that states what the whole passage is about.

Let’s revise it step by step:

Step 1: Diagnose. Underline the first few words of every sentence and clause in a passage, stopping if you hit the main verb.

Consistent ideas toward the beginnings of sentences help readers understand what a passage is generally about. A sense of coherence arises when a sequence of topics comprises a narrow set of related ideas. But the context of each sentence is lost by seemingly random shifts of topics. Unfocused, even disorganized paragraphs result when that happens.

Step 2: Analyze. Do the underlined words constitute a relatively small set of related ideas? Even if you see how they are related, will your readers? Do the underlined words name the most important characters, real or abstract? For that passage, the answers of these questions are no.

Step 3: Rewrite. In most (not necessarily all) of your sentences, use subjects to name their topics. Be sure that those topics are, in context, familiar to your readers.

• Readers understand what a passage is generally about when they see consistent ideas toward the beginnings of sentences. They feel a passage is coherent when they read a sequence of topics that focuses on a narrow set of related ideas. But when topics seem to shift randomly, readers lose the context of each sentence. When that happens, they feel they are reading paragraphs that are unfocused and even disorganized.

Now the subjects form a strong topic string: readers, they, they, they, topics, readers, that, they [readers].

Item 12: Avoid Distractions at the Beginning of a Sentence

Readers want to get to a subject/topic quickly, but too often we begin sentences with metadiscourse such as fortunately, perhaps, allegedly, it is important to note, for the most part, or politically speaking. For example:

And, therefore, it is important to note that, in Eastern states since 1980, acid rain has become a serious problem.

When you open several sentences with distractions like that, your readers have a hard time seeing not just what each sentence is about, but the focus of a whole passage. When you find a sentence with lots of words before its subject/topic, revise:

Since 1980, therefore, acid rain has become a political problem in the Eastern states.

Item 13: Put Complexity to the End of Sentences.

Your readers want you to organize your sentences to help them manage two kinds of difficulty:

• long and complex phrases and clauses
• new information, particularly unfamiliar technical terms

Complex Grammar

The following two sentences show how to arrage complex grammar:

1. Lincoln's claim that the Civil War was God's punishment of both North and South for slavery appears in the last part of the speech.
2. In the last part of his speech, Lincoln claims that God gave the Civil War to both North and South as a punishment for slavery.

Most readers prefer (b), because it begins simply with a short introductory phrase followed by a one-word subject and a specific verb, then moves toward grammatical complexity.

Complex Meaning

Another kind of complexity is in the meanings of words, especially technical terms. Compare these two passages:

1. The role of calcium blockers in the control of cardiac irregularity can be seen through an understanding of the role of calcium in the activation of muscle cells. The proteins actin, myosin, tropomyosin, and troponin make up the sarcomere, the basic unit of muscle con traction. The energy-producing, or ATPase, protein myosin makes up its thick filament, while the regulatory proteins actin, tropomyosin, and troponin make up its thin filament. Interaction of myosin and actin triggers muscle contraction.
2. When a muscle contracts, it uses calcium. We must therefore understand how calcium affects muscle cells to understand how cardiac irregularity is controlled by the drugs called calcium blockers. The basic unit of muscle contraction is the sarcomere. It has two filaments, one thin and one thick. Those filaments consist of four proteins that regulate contraction: actin, tropomyosin, and troponin in the thin filament and myosin in the thick one. Muscles contract when the regulatory protein actin in the thin filament interacts with myosin, an energy-producing or ATPase protein in the thick filament.

Both passages use the same technical terms (boldfaced), but (b) is clearer to those who know nothing about the chemistry of muscles. This is because almost all the technical terms in (a) are toward the beginnings of their sentences and the familiar ones are toward the end.

In general, your sentences should begin with elements that are relatively short: a short introductory phrase or clause, followed by a short, concrete subject, followed by a verb expressing a specific action. The general principle is to carry the reader not from complexity to simplicity, but from simplicity to complexity.

Item 14: Emphasize with Stress

The last few words of a sentence are important, because we tend to emphasize them. We have the same experience when reading silently. If you end a sentence on words that carry little meaning, your sentence will seem to end weakly:

• Global warming could raise sea levels to a point where much of the world's low-lying coastal areas would disappear, according to most atmospheric scientists.
• According to most atmospheric scientists, global warming could raise sea levels to a point where much of the world's low-lying coastal areas would disappear.

You can revise a sentence to emphasize particular words that you want readers to hear stressed and thereby note as particularly significant. Here are how to revise.

Three Tactical Revisions

1. Trim the end.
   • Sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior in the way we act in situations we are in every day.
   • Sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior.
   Since social behavior means the way we act in situations, we drop everything after behavior.
2. Shift peripheral ideas to the left.
   • The data offered to prove ESP are weak, for the most part.
   • For the most part, the data offered to prove ESP are weak.
3. Shift new information to the right.
   • Questions about the ethics of withdrawing intravenous feeding are more difficult [than something just mentioned].
   • More difficult [than something just mentioned] are questions about the ethics of withdrawing intravenous feeding.

Five Syntactic Devices to Emphasize the Right Words

1. There shift. You can begin a paragraph with there be to introduce new topics and concepts that they develop in what follows. Compare:
   • Several syntactic devices let you manage where in a sentence you locate units of new information.
   • There are several syntactic devices that let you manage where in a sentence you locate units of new information.
2. Passives. A passive verb lets you flip a subject and object, which sometimes enable us to get old and new information in the right order.
   • Some claim that our genes influence aspects of behavior that we think are learned. Our genes, for example, seem to determine ...
   • Some claim that aspects of behavior that we think are learned are in fact influenced by our genes. Our genes, for example, seem to determine ...
3. What shift.
   • We need a monetary policy that would end fluctuations in money supply, unemployment, and inflation.
   • What we need is a monetary policy that would end fluctuations in money supply, unemployment, and inflation.
4. It shift. When you have a subject consisting of a long noun clause, you can move it to the end of the sentence and start with an it:
   • That oil prices would be set by OPEC once seemed inevitable.
   • It once seemed inevitable that oil prices would be set by OPEC.
5. Not only X, but (also) Y (as well). In this pair, note how the but emphasizes the last element of the pair:
   • We must clarify these issues and develop deeper trust.
   • We must not only clarify these issues but also develop deeper trust.
   Unless you have reason to emphasize the negative, end with the positive:
   • The point is to highlight our success, not to emphasize our failures.
   • The point is not to emphasize our failures, but to highlight our success.

Three Ways to End a Sentence with Special Emphasis

1. End with a strong word, or better, a pair of them. At the end of a sentence, prepositions feel light. Adjectives and adverbs are heavier than prepositions but lighter than verbs or nouns, the heaviest of which are nominalizations. Compare:
   • Studies into intellectual differences among races are projects that only the most politically naive psychologist would be willing to give support to.
   • Studies into intellectual differences among races are projects that only the most politically naive psychologist would be willing to support.
2. End with a prepositional phrase introduced by of. The former is flat:
   • In the second century ad, the Roman Empire comprehended the earth's fairest, most civilized part. Ancient renown and disciplined valour guarded its extensive frontiers. The gentle but powerful in fluence of laws and manners had gradually unified the provinces. Their peaceful inhabitants enjoyed and abused luxurious wealth while decently preserving what seemed to be a free constitution. Appearing to possess the sovereign authority, the Roman senate de volved on the emperors all executive governmental powers.
   • In the second century of the Christian era, the Empire of Rome com prehended the fairest part of the earth, and the most civilized portion of mankind. The frontiers of that extensive monarchy were guarded by ancient renown AND disciplined valour. The gentle, but powerful influence of laws and manners had gradually cemented the union of the provinces. Their peaceful inhabitants enjoyed AND abused the advantages of wealth AND luxury. The image of a free constitution was preserved with decent reverence. The Roman sen ate appeared to possess the sovereign authority, and devolved on the emperors all the executive powers of government.
3. End with an echoing salience. At the end of a sentence, readers feel special emphasis when a stressed word or phrase balances the sound or meaning of an earlier one.
   • I have written these essays to anatomize this familiar yet really strange being, style the centaur; the book may be read as an ex tended critical commentary on Buffon's famous saying that the style is the man.
   • Apart from a few mechanical tricks of rhetoric, manner is indissolubly linked to matter; style shapes, and in turn is shaped by, substance.

Item 15: Start Section with Key Themes

To write a document that readers will think is coherent, open every section, subsection, and the whole with a short, easily grasped introductory segment. At the end of that opening segment, put a sentence that states both the point of the unit and the key themes that follow. Such point sentences constitute the outline of your document, its logical structure. If readers miss them, they may judge your writing to be incoherent. For example, read this:

Thirty sixth-grade students wrote essays that were analyzed to determine the effectiveness of eight weeks of training to distinguish fact from opinion. That ability is an important aspect of making sound arguments of any kind. In an essay written before instruction began, the writers failed almost completely to distinguish fact from opinion. In an essay written after four weeks of instruction, the students visibly attempted to distinguish fact from opinion, but did so inconsistently. In three more essays, they distinguished fact from opinion more consistently, but never achieved the predicted level of performance. In a final essay written six months after instruction ended, they did no better than they did in their preinstruction essays. Their training had some effect on their writing during the instruction period, but it was inconsistent, and six months after instruction it had no measurable effect.

In this paragraph, the first few sentences introduce the rest, but we don’t see in them the key concepts that follow: inconsistently, never achieved, no better, no measurable effect. Those terms are crucial to the point of the whole and help organize the rest. Worse, until the end, when we learn what we need to know to make sense of it retrospectively. But that takes more effort than we should have to expand.

Now, let’s compare:

• In this study, thirty sixth-grade students were taught to distinguish fact from opinion. They did so successfully during the instruction period, but the effect was inconsistent and less than predicted, and six months after instruction ended, the instruction had no measurable effect. In an essay written before instruction began, the writers failed almost completely to distinguish fact from opinion. In an essay written after four weeks of instruction, the students visibly attempted to distinguish fact from opinion, but did so inconsistently. In three more essays, they distinguished fact from opinion more consistently, but never achieved the predicted level of performance. In a final essay written six months after instruction ended, they did no better than they did in their preinstruction essay. We thus conclude that short-term training to distinguish fact from opinion has no consistent or long-term effect.

This time, we quickly grasp that the first two sentences introduce what follows. And in the second sentence, we see two things: both the point of the passage (underlined) and its key terms (boldfaced). Consequently, we feel the passage hangs together better and we read it with more understanding.

Keep in mind this principle: put the point sentence at the end of the short opening segment; make it the last sentence that your reader reads before starting the longer, more complex segment that follows.

Part III: Concision

Item 16: Delete, Replace - Refine Sentences

Here are six suggestions to refine your sentences and make them more concise:

1. Delete meaningless words. Some words are verbal tics that we use as unconsciously:

   kind of	virtually	actually	individual	particular	really
   basically	certain	various	generally	given	practically

   • Productivity actually depends on certain factors that basically involve psychology more than any particular technology.
   • Productivity depends on psychology more than on technology.
2. Delete doubled words. Most paired words today are just redundant. Among the common ones:

   full and complete	true and accurate	hope and desire
   hope and trust	each and every	first and foremost
   any and all	basic and fundamental	various and sundry

3. Delete what readers can infer. Here are three cases:
   • Redundant Modifiers Often, the meaning of a word (italicized) implies its modifier (boldfaced):
     • Do not try to predict those future events that will completely revolutionize society, because past history shows that it is the final outcome of minor events that unexpectedly surprises us more.
     • Do not try to predict revolutionary events, because history shows that the outcome of minor events surprises us more.
     Some common redundancies:

     terrible tragedy	basic fundamentals	final outcome
     various different	future plans	true facts
     free gift	each individual	consensus of opinion

   • Redundant Categories Every word implies its general cate gory, so cut a word that names it (boldfaced):
     • During that period of time, the membrane area became pink in color and shiny in appearance.
     • During that period, the membrane became pink and shiny.
     In doing that, you may have to change an adjective into an adverb:
     • The holes must be aligned in an accurate manner.
     • The holes must be aligned accurately.
     Sometimes you change an adjective into a noun:
     • The county manages the educational system and public recreational activities.
     • The county manages education and public recreation.
     Here are some general nouns (boldfaced) often used redundantly:

     large in size	unusual in nature	of a bright color
     round in shape	of a strange type	at an early time
     honest in character	area of mathematics	in a confused state

4. Replace a phrase with a word. Sometimes you change an adjective into a noun:
   • As you carefully read what you have written to improve wording and catch errors of spelling and punctuation, the thing to do before anything else is to see whether you can use sequences of subjects and verbs instead of the same ideas expressed in nouns.
   • As you edit, first replace nominalizations with clauses.
   Here compressed five phrases into five words:

   carefully read what you have written	→	edit
   the thing to do before anything else	→	first
   use X instead of Y	→	replace
   nouns instead of verbs	→	nominalizations
   sequences of subjects and verbs	→	clauses

   Exercise: Replace those long phrases with fewer words. If necessary, turn a nominalization into a verb
   

   1. We must explain the reason for the delay in the meeting.
   Hint
   We must explain the reason for the delay in the meeting.
   Answer
   We must explain why the meeting is delayed.
   2. Despite the fact that the data were checked, errors occurred.
   Hint
   Despite the fact that the data were checked, errors occurred.
   Answer
   Even though the data were checked, errors occurred.
   3. In the event that you finish early, contact this office.
   Hint
   In the event that you finish early, contact this office.
   Answer
   If you finish early, contact this office.
   4. In a situation where a class closes, you may petition to get in.
   Hint
   In a situation where a class closes, you may petition to get in.
   Answer
   When a class closes, you may petition to get in.
   5. I want to say a few words concerning the matter of money.
   Hint
   I want to say a few words concerning the matter of money.
   Answer
   I want to say a few words about money.
   6. There is a need for more careful inspection of all welds.
   Hint
   There is a need for more careful inspection of all welds.
   Answer
   You must inspect all welds more carefully.
   7. We are in a position to make you an offer.
   Hint
   We are in a position to make you an offer.
   Answer
   We can make you an offer.
   8. It is possible that nothing will come of this.
   Hint
   It is possible that nothing will come of this.
   Answer
   Nothing may come of this.
   9. Prior to the end of the training, apply for your license.
   Hint
   Prior to the end of the training, apply for your license.
   Answer
   Before training ends, apply for your license.
   10. We have noted a decrease/increase in the number of errors.
   Hint
   We have noted a decrease/increase in the number of errors.
   Answer
   We have noted fewer/more errors.
5. Change negatives to affirmatives. When you express an idea in a negative form, not only must you use an extra word: same → not different, but you also force readers to do a kind of algebraic calculation. Of couse, if you want to emphasize the negative, you can keep the negative form.
   Some verbs, prepositions, and conjunctions are implicitly negative:

   Verbs	preclude, prevent, lack, fail, doubt, reject, avoid, deny, refuse, exclude, contradict, prohibit, bar
   Prepositions	without, against, lacking, but for, except
   Conjunctions	unless, except when

   Compare these:
   • Except when you have failed to submit applications without documentation, benefits will not be denied.
   • You will receive benefits only if you submit your documents.
   And you baffle readers completely when you combine explicitly and implicitly negative words with passives and nominalizations:
   • There should be no submission of payments without notification of this office, unless the payment does not exceed $100.
   • Do not submit payments if you have not notified this office, un less you are paying less than $100.
   • If you pay more than $100, notify this office first.
6. Delete adjectives and adverbs. Try deleting every adverb and every adjective before a noun, then restore only those that readers need to understand the passage.

Item 17: Remove Redundant Metadiscourse

You may need some metadiscourse in every thing you write, but too much metadiscourse will bury your ideas. You can usually cut these two types:

1. Metadiscourse that attributes your ideas to a source. Don't announce that something has been observed, noticed, noted, and so on; just state the fact:
   • High divorce rates have been observed to occur in areas that have been determined to have low population density.
   • High divorce rates occur in areas with low population density.
2. Metadiscourse that announces your topic. Don't announce that something has been observed, noticed, noted, and so on; just state the fact:
   • This section introduces another problem, that of noise pollution. The first thing to say about it is that noise pol lution exists not only ...
   • Another problem is noise pollution. First, it exists not only ...

Item 18: Don’t Stack Phrases or Clauses in Long Sentences

In a long sentence, too many subordinate clauses can cause the structure to sprawl. You can revise in four ways:

1. Cut

Try reducing some of the relative clauses to phrases by deleting who/that/which + is/was:

• Of the many areas of science important to our future, few are more promising than genetic engineering, which is a new way of manipu lating the elemental structural units of life itself, which are the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts that constitute our bodies.

Occasionally, you can rewrite the remaining verb into an -ing form:

• The day is coming when we will all have numbers that will identify our financial transactions so that the IRS can monitor all activities that involve economic exchange.
• The day is coming when we will all have numbers that will identifying our financial transactions so that the IRS can monitor all activities that involving economic exchange.

2. Turn subordinate clauses into independent sentences

3. Change clauses to modifying phrases

You can write a long sentence but still avoid sprawl if you change relative clauses to one of three kinds of modifying phrases:

Resumptive Modifiers   These two examples contrast a relative clause and a resumptive modifier:

• Since mature writers often use resumptive modifiers to extend a line of thought, we need a word to name what I have not done in this sen tence, which I could have ended at that comma but extended to show you a relative clause attached to a noun.
• Since mature writers often use resumptive modifiers to extend a line of thought, we need a word to name what I am about to do in this sentence, a sentence that I could have ended at that comma but extended to show you how resumptive modifiers work.

The boldface resumptive modifier repeats a key word, sentence, and rolls on. To create a resumptive modifier, find a key noun before the clause, repeat the noun, and continue with a restrictive relative clause beginning with that.

You can also resume with an adjective or verb. In that case, just repeat the adjective or verb and continue.

• It was American writers who found a voice that was both true and lyrical, true to the rhythms of the working man's speech and lyrical in its celebration of his labor.
• Teachers should try to remember that students are vulnerable to ego-bruising moments that adults ignore, to remember that they do not understand that ...

Occasionally, you can create a resumptive modifier with the phrase one that:

• I now address a problem we have wholly ignored, one that has plagued societies that sell their natural resources to benefit a few today rather than using them to develop new resources that benefit everyone tomorrow.

Summative Modifiers   Here are two sentences that contrast relative clauses and summative modifiers:

• Economic changes have reduced Russian population growth to less than zero, which will have serious social implications.
• Economic changes have reduced Russian population growth to less than zero, a demographic event that will have serious social implications.

To create a summative modifier, end a grammatically complete segment of a sentence with a comma, add a term that sums up the substance of the sentence so far, and then continue with a restric tive relative clause beginning with that. A summative modifier has the same effect as a resumptive modifier: it lets you bring a clause to a sense of closure, then begin afresh.

Free Modifiers   Free modifiers can appear at the beginning or end of a sentence, commenting on the subject of the closest verb. It can begin with an -ing present participle or a past participle verb:

• Free modifiers resemble resumptive and summative modifiers, letting you [i.e., the free modifier lets you] extend the line of a sentence while avoiding a train of ungainly phrases and clauses.
• Leonardo da Vinci was a man of powerful intellect, driven by [i.e., Leonardo was driven by] an insatiable curiosity and haunted by a vision of artistic perfection.
• Driven by an insatiable curiosity, Leonardo da Vinci was ...

A free modifier can also begin with an adjective:

• In 1939, we began to assist the British against Germany, aware [i.e., we were aware] that we faced another world war.
• Aware that we faced another world war, in 1939 we began ...

4. Coordinate

Coordination is the foundation of a gracefully shaped sentence. Here are some principles to guide you in achieving good coordination:

• Order the elements from shorter to longer, from simpler to more complex.
  Consider:
  We should devote a few final words to a matter that reaches beyond the techniques of research to the connections between those sub jective values that reflect our deepest ethical choices and objective research.
  This sentence seems to end too abruptly with objective research. Structurally, it looks like： $$ \dots \text{between} \left\{ \begin{aligned} &\text{those subjective values that reflect our} \\ &\text{deepest ethical choices} \\ &\qquad \qquad \qquad\text{and} \\ &\text{objective research} \end{aligned} \right\} $$ We can move the shorter to longer by reversing the two elements:
  • We should devote a few final words to a matter that reaches beyond the techniques of research to the connections between objective research and those subjective values that reflect our deepest ethical choices.
  Structurally, it looks like: $$ \dots \text{between} \left\{ \begin{aligned} &\text{objective research} \\ &\qquad \qquad \text{and} \\ &\text{those subjective values that reflect our} \\ &\text{deepest ethical choices} \end{aligned} \right\} $$
• Coordinate elements only of the same grammatical structure.
  When you coordinate different grammatical structures, readers may feel you have created a lack of parallelism: $$ \begin{aligned} &\text{The committee} \\ &\text{recommends} \end{aligned} \left\{ \begin{aligned} & \textbf{revising the curriculum } \text{to recognize} \\ & \text{trends in local employment} \\ &\qquad \qquad \qquad \qquad \text{and} \\ & \textbf{that the division be reorganized } \text{to} \\ &\text{reflect the new curriculum} \end{aligned} \right\} $$ It should be: $$ \checkmark \dots \text{ recommends} \left\{ \begin{aligned} & \textbf{that the curriculum be revised} \\ & \text{to recognize ...} \\ &\qquad \qquad \qquad \quad \text{and} \\ & \textbf{that the division be reorganized } \\ &\text{to reflect} \end{aligned} \right\} $$ You can also coordinate a noun phrases with how clauses: $$ \checkmark \text{ We will attempt to delineate} \left\{ \begin{aligned} & \textbf{the problems } \text{ of education} \\ & \text{in developing nations} \\ &\qquad \qquad \qquad \text{and} \\ & \textbf{how coordinated efforts can } \\ & \textbf{address } \text{them in economical ways} \end{aligned} \right\} $$
• Avoid ambiguous modifiers.
  If a modifier is placed in an inappropriate position, it may cause ambiguity:
  Overtaxing oneself in physical activity too frequently results in injury.
  Here, too frequently can modify both overtaxing and injuries. We can make its meaning unambiguous by moving too frequently:
  • Overtaxing oneself too frequently in physical activity results in injury.
  • Overtaxing oneself in physical activity results too frequently in injury.
  Exercise: Make the sentence unambiguous
  

  1. Scientists have learned that their observations are as subjective as those in any other field in recent years.
  Hint
  The phrase "in recent years" could modify either "have learned" (implying when scientists realized this) or "observation" (implying the observations, which were made in recent years, are as subjective as those in other fields).
  Answer
  Modify "have learned": In recent years, scientists have learned that ...
  Modify "observation": Scientists have learned that in recent years their ...

Part IV: How-to Tutorials

Guide 1: Introduction

Most introductions have three parts: shared context, problem, solution/main point/claim. Such a structure helps the introduction attract readers’ interest and make them willing to read it carefully.

Establishing a Shared Context

A shared context is the first part of an introduction that connects with the audience by referencing commonly understood facts, beliefs, historical events, or shared experiences. This context serves to ground the discussion, reminding readers of what they already know or are likely to accept, before introducing new or contrasting ideas.

In writing, shared context can take various forms:

• Historical background: Referencing longstanding practices or trends.
• Recent events: Highlighting current data or incidents.
• Common beliefs: Pointing to widely held assumptions.

It is a rhetorical strategy that motivates readers to engage further, often by setting up a seemingly unproblematic premise that will later be challenged or qualified.

Here are examples of shared context:

• Historical background: Alcohol has been a big part of college life for hundreds of years. From football weekends to fraternity parties, college students drink and often drink hard. BUT a new kind of drinking known as "binge." ...
• Recent event: A recent State University survey showed that 80% of first year students engaged in underage drinking in their first month on campus, a fact that should surprise no one. BUT what is worrisome is the spread among first-year students of a new kind of drinking known as "binge." ...
• Common belief: Most students believe that college is a safe place to drink for those who live on or near campus. And for the most part they are right. BUT for those students who get caught up in the new trend of "binge" drinking, ...

Not every piece of writing opens with this move. Some jump to the second element of an introduction: the statement of a problem.

Stating the Problem

A problem must have two parts: a) the condition identifies the situation or issue that exists. b) The cost explains why the condition matters by identifying its consequences or negative outcomes. This provides motivation for addressing the problem.

You can identify the cost of a problem if you imagine someone asking “So what?” after you state its condition:

• But a kind of drinking known as "binge" drinking is spreading through our colleges and universities. Bingers drink quickly not to be sociable but to get drunk or even to pass out. So what? Bingeing is far from the harmless fun long associated with college life. In the last six months, it has been cited in at least six deaths, many injuries, and considerable destruction of property. It crosses the line from fun to reckless behavior that kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them.

There are two kinds of problems: practical and conceptual. Practical problems concern real-world conditions that cause tangible harm or costs. Readers are motivated to address practical problems because the costs affect them, prompting questions like “What should we do?” You must be upfront about how this costs will affect your readers, even though they may seem obvious, but you cannot count on readers to see the problem as you do.

A conceptual problem has the same two parts as a practical one, a condition and its costs. The condition of a conceptual problem is always something that we do not know or understand. The cost of a conceptual problem is not a physical loss, which is different from the costs of practical problems; it is the dissatisfaction we feel because we don’t understand something important to us. We can express this cost as something more important that readers don’t know, as another, larger question:

• Administrators don't know why students underestimate the risks of binge drinking. So what? If they knew, they might figure out something more important: Would better information at orientation help students make safer decisions about drinking?

As in this example, the larger question is about something readers do not know how to do. However, this larger question is related to a small question that you are struggling to answer.

Stating the Solution

The solution is your main point or claim. To solve a practical problem, you must propose that the reader (or someone) do something to change a condition in the world:

• ... behavior that crosses the line from fun to recklessness that kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them. We may not be able to stop bingeing entirely, but we must try to con trol its worst costs by educating students in how to manage its risks.

To solve a conceptual problem, you must state something you want readers to understand or believe:

• ... we can better understand not only the causes of this dangerous behavior but also the nature of risk-taking behavior in general. This study reports on our analysis of the beliefs of 300 first year college students. We found that students were more likely to binge if they knew many stories of other students' bingeing, so that they believed that bingeing is far more common than it actually is.

Guide 2: Conclusion

A good conclusion should bring together your point, its significance, and its implications for thinking further about your problem. There are other ways to conclude, when nothing better comes to mind, just reverse the order of your introduction:

1. Open your conclusion by stating (or restating) your point, main claim, or solution to your problem:
   • Though we can come at the problem of bingeing from several directions, the most important is education, especially in the first week of a student's college life. But that means each university must devote time and resources to it.
2. Explain its significance by answering "So what"? in a new way, if you can. If you cannot, restate what you offered in the introduction, now as a benefit:
   • If we do not start to control bingeing soon, many more students will die.
   • If we start to control bingeing now, we will save many lives.
3. Suggest a further question or problem to be resolved, something still not known. Answer "Now what"?:
   • Of course, even if we can control bingeing, the larger issue of risk taking in general will remain a serious problem.